Uninstall.

It is so necessary to stop what you are doing, pause while you are continuing, leave when you have stayed, discard after its ruined, uninstall when it crashes. All these moments of abrupt change can be very retrospective. It is like removing cache files out of your system.

I recently stopped using my Instagram account. It has been 3 months now. In the beginning it almost felt like quitting smoking, which I haven’t managed till now. Anyway, I can’t find my self to delete it entirely because the reason I began using it was so pure, unlike the reason why I left it. It was my diary, like a memory box and probably the only app I installed on my phone back in 2011. I used to save moments, document them in a beautiful way. It encouraged me to see things differently and write smartly. I really liked using it until it started using me.

Now, I was seeing things as how they would look on Instagram and what would I say and how many people would like it. I photographed a moment not because it was special to me but because it would do well on Insta. My intension got corrupted. I would keep checking my phone and swiping down, double tapping pointlessly because it just how life became around me. Everyone is doing it. Everyone. It is about how many followers you had and likes you got. Now it is an e-commerce store in denial with advertising so well disguised that most people can’t tell. The worst part for me was the amount of times I found myself clicking pictures of me. yuck. Yuck. YUCK. In such sickening vanity of my selfies and stories, I missed the real me.

I wish people could realise how these things, these apps, these tiny squares that fit under our right thumbs are systematically alerting evolution, human behaviour and interactions. I have no doubts that eventually biology will adapt to these changes and in the future maybe we will born with bigger thumbs. 

I do miss looking at art, wildlife photography or and some other fascinating visual. But as an artist I know that it affects me the most. If my art or my work is influenced by how much it will be liked than I will never bloom as an artist. I also find it hard to stay original in such a space. But maybe this is how art is going to be, more accessible, more bold, more plagiarised. 

Someone, some startup out there, please make an app to install balance.

 

 

morality is grey

There two kinds of people in this world, those who understands Miyazaki films and the others who don’t but fortunate are the ones who understand that it is not important to understand his films. These people know life a little better.

Miyazaki’s work is not meant to be for children, it is a beautiful expression of human emotions which they might understand it only much later. This makes his work mysterious, even though he tries to emphasis on reality through depiction of little human gestures that film maker generally avoid.

People can’t relate to perfection, its unsettling for most. Miyazaki creates a world where morality is complex. Its not all black and white. The protagonist doesn’t have to win, he has to adapt, much like in real life.

Disney can never be a Miyazaki even if it tried. Hayao has never studied screenwriting and perhaps that is why it is so different and honest. He reach out through empathy that the audience projects on his character. He doesn’t try hard, its subtle yet leave an undeniable impact. But perhaps that most beautiful aspect about Miyazaki’s films is that they end when the characters overcome an emotional aspect and not with a tangible reward.

millenial poetry

what is this strange life we are living

every beautiful moment 

be captured 

than felt

all smart things spoken

be stated

than understood

 

every place visited 

be checked in

than experienced

 

everything eaten

be nicely composed

than devoured

 

every story

viewed

than heard

 

all events created

than occurred 

 

what is this strange life we are living

calories burned

for a pose

 

faces painted

souls drawn

 

sentiments commented

feelings withdrawn

 

injustice petitioned

endeavour reduced

 

patriotism posted

opinions fuelled

 

Charity raised

empathy erased

 

everything shared

yet inequality

everything liked

still war

 

what is this strange life we are living

playgrounds unused

children unamused

 

narcissism infused

youth confused

 

humans displaced

humanity dulled

 

what is this strange life we are living

news manipulated

truth adulterated

 

religion outdated

activism castrated

 

music saturated

artist frustrated

 

love calculated

money celebrated

 

what is this strange life we are living

emotions unstated

moments created

relationships complicated

 

what is this strange life we are living?

Environmen

Ideally a Humanitarian should make the best Environmentalist. To be truly concerned about human lives one would have to understand that there would be none without a healthy environment to support it.

In a sea of gloom with a cup of cocoa

You walk around alone

with your head phones plugged in

with every song that plays

plays with your emotions

shuffles

soothes

clashes

like waves of a sea of gloom

 

At work

you open tabs

read nothing

scroll down, endlessly

see nothing

people gossip

hear nothing

 

the sea of gloom

floods your mind

you go home

 

you stumble across your room

trying to find purpose

shift things around

and then do ur laundry

your emotions spin

round

around

spinning

in that sea of gloom

you don’t want the day to end 

because you want to know why

you feel 

they way you did

 

but your body is tired 

from feeling too much

so you search for aspirin 

and find cocoa

you make a cup

and in the first sip

you understand the day

 

how lovely it is to drown in the sea of gloom

and to be saved by a cup of cocoa

 

 

future now

Last week, I was troubled over some career related stuff. a.k.a mid-20’s crisis

I asked my friend over Skype. “Hey bae, why do I not feel excited about all this tech stuff. It’s where the money is, and where the big industry is moving towards. I know I’d be good if I tried. So why don’t I work towards it?”

My friend replied “Because its not the future you want to create for yourself. Its not your story, or the one you want to write. You don’t want to help build a world that is stuck to the screen and so you won’t ever be interested in it”

Fuck, my friend is genius. 

After the call, I shut my eyes, and tried to imagine the world I wanted to see my self in. It was a hilly landscape, not very high, but sleepy slopes. It was filled with grass and flowers. And there was lots of sunshine and breeze and there was me, like in a movie scene, with a big wide goofy smile.

Fuck, this is not helping, I need to think like “career wise”. What career world do I see my self in”

So, I shut my eyes and try once more. Again, I see that damn hill. But this time along with everything else I saw before I also see my dogs.

It kept getting better and with my eyes shut, I added all the awesomeness of my present and posted it in the image of my future. I just made sure I left my phone behind.

short story

Almost a month since i made an effort to write, or had the urge to type. I had my favorite tea this morning after six or seven years. Twinning's English Breakfast Tea after ages. The last time i enjoyed it so much was during my high school final examinations, when we would take tea breaks in the middle of our study sessions. In my boarding school, the 'baiji' (female helper/maid) would hammer a copper plate, ring a bell? Well thats how announcements were made, dinner was served and school was closed. The bell. How the same sound held so many different meanings, in the mornings, it was to wake up, before meals to say prayer, evenings, sports time, night time, time for bed. One sound, so many meanings. Amazing.

Anyway, I was sipping my favorite tea this morning, and I repeat, the last time I enjoyed it so much was during my high school final examinations, when we would take tea breaks in the middle of our study sessions. I remember squeezing out the flavour from the tea bags, sometimes even sucking on the tea bag, after re-using it twice. 

Sometime when I think of my fancy boarding school, I think of the good times, but the bad ones linger longer. There weren't any episodes as such, it was just this disgusting feeling of not being rich and royal enough in comparison to the other girls who came there, that subconsciously left a mark on me. There were so many royalties in my school, and super rich kids. Kids that were taught by their parents to flaunt. Now, when i look back, it wasn't the kids fault, their parents messes up, big time. And probably their parents parents messed up before that. So, whose fault is it really? 

These rich-flaunty kids unknowingly left such a mark on those who came from average middle class families. An impression I don't know if I can put in words. Or maybe I can, but after another cup of tea.

 

Fury

This year, I felt some people reject and disrespect me, only to realise that I led and let them. I have also let a lot of people say what they wanted and do who they wanted, without hitting back. And now that this year is near its end I find myself wondering if I got any wiser or weaker.
I talk to myself before I sleep. I dream before I sleep.

My swallowed aggression and pride tells me that I got weak. I din't fight back. I got soft. My assured sense of self tells me I was wise not to waste my aggression on futile people and events.

But inside, a side that takes no side reminds me of my wrath, my fury. The fighting, the aggression, the heat that I haven't felt in a while. The redness in my ears and the choke in my neck. As though a part of misses that side. The woman or the wolf.

I got weak basically. I have lost my strength to hold a fight. I have drifted to the sidelines and now I watch my self in the ring, lose battles I could have won with a stare. I feel weak. Not wise. Damn god.
This self pride.

My problem with the world

Why does our work have to start with looking for a problem? Why can’t we reset our goals in life in such a way that we did not create those problems. Almost all my design courses, begin with a soul searching process, looking for problem in the world. So I can work to create solutions for it. bleh.

Isn't there a way to just provide a solution for a problem less world? Too far reaching? Ya well, maybe thats the job for a saint or some holy man to come out with a new briefing for a problem less world. Some new kind of universal religion that takes into account all faiths and rights for all people and species.

So back to me and my problem with world. ugh.

Feeling of helplessness to certain world problems. Where I can see and hear about them but do nothing, because I am in no position to, or because my I have smaller but in a way relevant problems closer to me that I must deal with first in order to be in a position to deal with the greater problems with the world. phew!

The guilt of succumbing to social media. Trying to be this person who has balance in her life. A balance between virtuality and reality. Contemplating on these crazy new lifestyle changes and needs. The anxiety that comes with being a social media person. The transformation of the world and systems around changing rapidly to feed these new ways of life.

Consumerfuckingism. Yes, always bothers me to see people go out of their ways to prove to the world that they have been sold to advertisements. Fucking douchebags. There needs to be a subject in our classical eduction system that helps you to not be brainwashed by media.

The Wildlife Wipeout Again that feeling of guilt and helplessness. You don’t know what to do, but you know your existence and carbon footprint is rapidly wiping out some beautiful species of the world. You want to give up everything, go to the mountains and live a life that doesn’t take lives. But mommy said I need to make a living otherwise my life is pointless. WTF

Hypocrisy. Back to india, and its people and their hypocritical lives. No, they don’t know how to live and let live. That is just a quote in a book. How I wish there was a way to upgrade an orthodox mindset every once in a year like a software update on ur android phones. Like a "Mindset update 2.0." Kindly install and get new a outlook of the world. Improve your features and stale medieval views of the world. Get more space in your memory by removing some trashy beliefs. Install for a better life for all mankind.

And some more rants.

If advertisements sold simple lives instead of sexy bodies and fast cars, maybe our world would have been much different. If politicians and priests stopped lying, maybe we wouldn’t have so much mistrust between countries and faiths. If waste was not produced in the first place, we wouldn’t have to create the best possible solutions to trash it.

If only I could find the perfect problem with the world right now, maybe I would be motivated to work on my class assignment. 

Sprain brain

Haven't written for a while. Maybe because I was happy all this while. Now I am strapped up, with a broken ankle and I feel horrible about it. But what the hell, I did dance till I dropped, literally.

So lying down on my bed with a ice pack on my foot, watching BBC documentaries, listening to David Attenborough say persuasive things, effortlessly, I begin to wonder. One, How can a voice be so hypnotic? Two, If David Attenborough one day told me in his deep voice that the earth is a triangle, I will believe him. I repeat, I will believe him. Three, Why did I not become a wildlife photographer.

And then my thoughts drift to other things. When I was little, I used to believe that by the time I grew up, man would figure out a way or a language to talk to animals. I thought that is what ‘technological growth’ meant and it really excited me to imagine the future back then. Also imagined scientists wearing these techie headgears with neuron-like wires, doing this crazy research, analysing data to decode their langauge. I really did believe that the biggest advancement or the achievement for science would be to figure a way out to communicated to other species. 

How childish of me.

 

same pinch

One person does it and everyone starts doing the same.

Is this how to trend? To be a part of the happening? 

 

Seen those crazy mouth watering tasty videos?

They make all the good old cooking shows look so lame.

 

They are so good, you’d never think of them as bad.

They make you drool between work, and then you tag your friends. 

“We have to try this!” And you do.

And it never turns out they way you expected. Like life.

 

So what is really going on and why do I have a problem with this?

 

umm, maybe because…

 

Cooking is so much about patience, something this age truly lacks, 

and everything those 10 second tasty recipe videos don't respect.

 

I don’t mean to sit around and criticise all the time,

But while I am doing that, I want to say this is about patience and

not some new trend that Buzzfeed started, which I agree is awesome.

 

But, this is about 'patience', a.k.a 'the zen', a.k.a 'calm the fuck down everybody.'

We can’t master ‘A’ skill because ‘B’ is already trending, so we must move on.

And the world will applaud you for that. Yes, you will be rewarded. 

 

It takes a really long time to get good at something. 

Today we don’t have time for that, because ‘OMG did you check that out?’

‘We totally need to do that too, everyones doing it, its trending like cray.’